A New Balance in Cross Purposes

Balancing life between survival and usefulness, malaise and creativity.

 I've had a ton of creative ideas in the past couple of days. Some to do with art I'd like to make and some to do with stories I want to write. This little spate of inspiration has done a lot to dispel some of the darker thoughts that come with battling cancer. That is a good thing.

Unfortunately, I have also been rendered nearly senseless over the past couple of days by my reaction to Erbitux, the 'mild' chemotherapy drug that is supposed to tread lightly with the side effects. I got the IV infusion on Thursday afternoon. By Thursday evening I had a headache that would fell an elephant. Then came the nausea.

The nausea wasn't actually that bad. If it had entered my consciousness unaccompanied, I would have taken some sodium bicarbonate and been done with it. No the nausea only served to remind me that the headache was born of a chemical toxicity, and it wasn't going to go away with Excedrin. Well, maybe it would have, but I can't take anything with aspirin in it because I'm having surgery to install a port on Monday, and I couldn't take anything with caffeine in it because I was having a PET scan on Friday.

I didn't sleep a wink Thursday night. I tossed and turned all night trying to find a section of pillow that did not jar my brain with its hard edges and incessant noise. I think it may be the worst I ever felt in my life.

It's Sunday afternoon now, and I still have vestiges of that headache. I don't know how long it's going to take to get entirely shed of it, but it better hurry up because I have another chemo session on Wednesday and then I have to drive to Miami on Thursday for a follow up visit with one of my surgeons. Oh, joy!

I have learned that it's no use to try executing a creative impulse when you feel like a Panzer division is rumbling through the fissures of your brain while your stomach keeps trying, unsuccessfully, to throw up a horseshoe. I just have to write stuff down and hope I can make sense of it when I feel better.

One good thing is that I'm more determined than ever to survive this disease. I'm telling you, I've come up with some good stuff, and it would be a crime against nature and a sin against all I hold sacred not to make the visions reality.