Temptation to resist...or a little gift from a benevolent God? |
The unexamined life may not be worth living, as Socrates suggested,
but it sure is easier than second guessing your every motivation.
Maybe it's not exactly what Socrates had in mind, but for the dutiful
Catholic a regular examination of conscience is part of the defining
regimen. It's something we do before we go to confession. This means
a thorough scrutiny of the things we have done that we shouldn't have
and the things we didn't do that we should have, as well as the
reasons we did or didn't do them. As you can imagine there is
enormous potential for inner conflict in this process.
The first problem is deciding what's right and what's wrong. We don't
actually get to decide this, of course, although many of us are hard
pressed to refrain. We may start by going through the 10
commandments, which seem pretty straightforward, but we soon realize
that there are degrees of everything and the more we think about it
the harder it is to lay down a distinct line between what we need to
confess and what's not so bad after all. To make matters more
difficult we have to go confess the bad stuff to a priest, often a
priest who knows our mother.
This is a hard place to be. This is the garden where the Serpent
resides and tries to persuade us that we are the best judges of our
own behavior. He goads us to eat of the fruit of the tree of
knowledge of good and evil. He seduces us with the notion that we are
as good as God when it comes to deciding what's sinful and what's
not. It's an easy job for the Serpent, not least because it's
sometimes hard to decipher exactly what God means.
What exactly is coveting for example? Say you admire your neighbor's
wife because she looks like Kate Beckinsale and cooks like Paula
Dean. One, who could resist such a creature, and two, when does that
stop being mere admiration and start being sinful? To complicate
matters, suppose your neighbor is a derivatives trader for Goldman
Sachs, an insufferable blowhard, and a philandering dog? When does
thinking his Aston Martin ought to be in your driveway instead of a 9
year old PT Cruiser cross the border from longing for social justice
into rank covetousness?
And how about the eighth commandment? 'Thou shalt not bear false
witness against thy neighbor.' We are told this means you're not
allowed to tell lies. What does bearing false witness have to do with
the untruths we tell to grease the skids of social discourse? If your
husband wants to know if his snoring is an irritant, how charitable
is it to say the truth that if it were any worse you would murder him
in his sleep? When your six-year-old wants to know why Santa brought
him underpants instead of the Freddie Kruger action figure he asked
for, do you lie and tell him he should have been a better kid or tell
him the truth that Santa doesn't really exist and the crappy gifts
are actually from his mother?
I think you get the idea. A good examination of conscience is a
tricky endeavor, fraught with moral peril. You have to know what God
thinks, even though a lot of what He's said sounds like a 17th
century English poet who's been drinking wine all day. Plus, if the
nuns and your catechism are to be believed, He actually left a lot of
stuff out of the commandments. So for instance, where it says 'Though
shalt not kill,' it seems pretty direct and easy to understand, but
we are taught that this also means you can't punch your brother for
sticking his tongue out at you in the backseat of your dad's car, or
you can't slap your kid for punching his brother, or you can't get
angry with your wife for maxing out the Mastercard on the wedding
reception for your daughter, who is marrying a vampire wannabee.
We all understand 'Thou shalt not commit adultery', but there are
hundreds of ways to be unfaithful to your spouse and the institution
of marriage without actually knocking boots in secret trysts. So how
do you decide when taking your car to a sorority bikini car wash is
less about keeping you car clean and more about chatting up some
coeds to see if you've still got some mojo left? Where exactly does
wishful thinking become an affront to your vows?
Once you've got a good grasp on your sins, you have to then cultivate
a 'firm purpose of amendment'. This means sincere determination not
to commit the same sins again. This too is much easier said than
done, especially when you consider that most of your so-called sins
happened by accident. You resolve to do better. You go to great
lengths to avoid situations where you are likely to be tempted. You
pray for strength. Then one day you are at the farmers' market
looking at the honey crisp apples when a gust of wind lifts the silk
skirt of the woman standing next to you to reveal lacy yellow
boy-short panties and legs that extend beyond your wildest
imaginings. It's difficult at this point to know whether to complain
to God that He has led you into temptation in spite of your prayers
to the contrary, or to thank Him for the fortuitous view of some of
the pinnacles of His creation.
Bean, the contemplative |
For all his wonderful qualities, Bean is incapable of looking
gleefully forward to an opportunity to do something that he knows he
shouldn't while praying at the same time, and fervently, for the
strength to resist the temptation. We humans can, and, because we
can, we do. It's this kind of conflictedness that makes the smelter
in which our humanity is fired, repeatedly, until we are sufficiently
purified to stand before our Creator and admit to being worse creatures than
our dogs.
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